I guess this is a different flavor of blog post from my usual fare, but I feel like if I don’t talk about it here, I’m going to break some expensive fruit-based tablets.

I want to talk about crappy videos. Those of you who have young children with electronics will know exactly what I’m talking about, without any further explanation whatsoever. Fair warning: please don’t lecture me on allowing my children to spend too much time on their tablets. They were gifts from their grandparents, and I will only refer you to the Scary Mommy website anyway. 🙂

Now that that’s out of the way, I’ll explain what I mean by “crappy videos,” for those of you who haven’t had the displeasure. Ever since the advent of YouTube and the reality of people being able to create and share their own cinematic masterpieces, the crappy video has existed. I’m sure at the beginning what made a video unwatchable was simply poor production quality. I should think writing always matters, but hell I’m a writer, so of course I’m going to think that. But now, at least for me, the quintessential crappy video has more to do sub-par CGI, horrible music that sticks in your head for days, inane content, and a torturous length.

I’m pretty sure it was my husband who coined the term “crappy videos,” when my five year old daughter first started watching them a couple of years ago. We still laugh when she uses that phrase to describe them. Her crappy videos are usually one of two flavors:

1) A grown woman opening blind bag toys and getting way too excited about the whole experience
2) A grown woman of some sort of Slavic origin playing with dolls, replete with voiceovers and sometimes controversial storylines – often one of the dolls is pregnant (I was horrified when they made Spiderman pregnant)

The first few times I watched these, my forehead wrinkled, but I shook it off. I could see the appeal it would have for my daughter – the excitement of opening a toy, her favorite characters playing out scenes (however bizarre those scenes are). When she kept playing these videos over and over, it was more like a fly buzzing around my head – annoying but not debilitating.

The real problem came when my two year old son started watching crappy videos of his own. Ever eager to do everything his older sister does, now he spends a good deal of his tablet time watching these things. And his are really bad:

1) Nursery Rhyme type songs with poor CGI, repeated multiple times – some videos are over an hour long
2) Bizarre combinations, like four differently colored Spidermen riding a banana mobile
3) Teletubbies. Enough said
4) Kids submerging their hands and arms in huge pans of beans and other gross things
5) Squishy balls (at least these teach colors) and hidden toys in slime

I swear I go cross-eyed looking at them sometimes. And I consider myself a fairly tolerant parent when it comes to his favorites – I was perfectly fine watching every single episode of Mutt and Stuff multiple times. But if I hear another rendition of ‘Johnny, Johnny, Yes Papa’ – there are at least 19 crappy versions I know of – I will lose it. Hopefully in a glorious fashion, like ripping my hair out or running down the street naked, but more likely I’ll just leave the room. Fight or flight, and it’s hard to fight that, when he knows exactly how to access the YouTube Kids app. All the crappy videos he’s binge watched are right up front, ready to select again. Like those songs aren’t ingrained enough in my head.

I do try to redirect him. I’ve even managed to get him to watch some old Banana Splits video clips from the 60’s, because he loves the theme song (I can’t lie, I do too).

And I can occasionally get him to play an educational game instead or even Crossy Road, to break up the madness.

If I’m really lucky, I can tickle him so much he forgets about the iPad and runs off to play with regular toys in his room. Of course, if his sister’s in there I can expect some random screaming and crying, but somehow that’s better. I know it isn’t warping his mind to fight with his sister – it’s normal, healthy.

As with kidney stones and behavioral issues in children, this too shall pass. I get that. And while I long to share clips of Airplane! or The Shining with them, I know I have to let them discover what they like for themselves. I only wish I could wear headphones and blinders to protect myself from what could’ve easily replaced the video in “A Clockwork Orange.”

As I write this, I can hear “Johnny, Johnny, Yes Papa” in the background. One of the worst renditions of this horrible video got over 700 million views. Even with a low earnings estimate, that’s 20K+ easily. And like cockroaches, there’s never just one crappy video. There’s a whole intrusion of them, for each creator.

20K, likely north of 100K. For a single crappy video. I’m in the wrong profession.